The Shitty Adventures of Pokemon Trainer Red
by xSHATTEREDGLASSx
Summary: Read the title. (CRACK)
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N: read the summary, this is a crack fic! Anyway if you're still here enjoy the story!_**

"Red, get your lazy ass down here!" Red's mother shouted from downstairs.

He sighed, pausing his game. "What the fuck is it, mom?" He said walking downstairs.

"Red, we're broke."

"Yeah, I know, I still have a nes for fuck's sake!" He complained.

"Don't be greedy, Red," Red scowled. "Anyway, I need you become the champion and give me all your money."

Red deadpanned, "mom, I'm only ten."

"Bitch, get off your lazy ass and get me some money!" She yelled, pointing at the door.

"Jesus!" Red shouted as he ran out the door, which slammed shut behind him. He sighed as he heard it lock shut. "Never got to finish my game," Red mumbled, as he walked to the professor's lab. He opened the door expecting to see the professor, but only saw his neighbor Green. "Hey, asshat, where's the professor?"

Green shrugged, "Out collecting research I guess."

"I don't have fucking time for this," He shouted, kicking the door to the back room down and going inside. He emerged a few seconds later carrying an oddly happy Pikachu. "Smell ya later, asshat." He said walking out of the lab.

"Bye," Green said.


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N: The shit's gonna hit the fan rrrreeeaaaalllll quick._**

"Alright, shithead," Red said putting his new Pokemon down in the tail grass. "Imma need you to train your weak ass. Go attack that Pidgey," he commanded pointing to a wild Pidgey nearby.

"Pika!" The electric rodent said happily, before running up to the wild bird. The Pidgey turned to look at the small mouse tilting its head slightly in confusion.

The yellow mouse hugged the bird tightly an innocent smile on his face before he electrocuted the bird to death.

"Oh my god you fucking killed it!" Red yelled as Pikachu let go of the dead bird.

"Pika!" He said happily.

"No this is not okay!"

"Pika!" He rodent said as he ripped the Pidgey's head off and throw it on the ground.

"Jesus Christ, why did you do that?" Red screeched.

"Pika!"

"We need to get it to a Pokémon center," Red said picking up the dead bird and running to the nearest Pokémon center. Pikachu followed behind him. Skipping through the tall grass happily like he hadn't just committed a horrible murder.


	3. Chapter 3

Red and Pikachu stood in front of a grave in Lavender tower. Etched into the stone were the words: "Pidgey 2016-2016"

Red had a somber look on his face as looked at the grave. While Pikachu just smiled absent-minded look on his face.

Red turned his head to look at his Pokémon. "What the hell, man," he asked a sudden look of anger on his face. "You just killed a Pidgey, and you're smiling like an idiot about it."

"Pika," he said as he continued to smile.

Red sighed in annoyance. "You're horrible you know that? The Pidgey had a life, it had a family, it had friends, hopes, and dreams, and you just took take away from him, and you're just going to smile about it." Pikachu nodded his smile growing wider. Red sighed again, "come on we have to go get the gym badges," he said walking out of the tower.

"Pika!" Pikachu cheer running after his trainer.


	4. Chapter 4

Red and Pikachu walked into the Pokemart the automatic doors sliding closed behind her. "Hey kid," the cashier shouted.

"Yeah?" Red asked walking up to the counter his Pikachu following closely behind.

"You from Pallet town?" Red nodded. "Great could you deliver this parcel to Professor Oak?"

Red smirked. "Sure," he said taking the package from the cashier.

"Alright thanks, kid," the guy waved as Red and Pikachu exited the shop.

Pikachu walked in the direction of Pallet town happy as alway. It took a few seconds before the rodent realized that his trainer was not walking next to him. Turning around the yellow Pokemon saw his trainer leaning against one of the walls of the shop.

"You didn't really think I would actually deliver this to that old fuck, did you." Pikachu shrugged before running up to his trainer. "Nah, fuck that guy," Red said ripping the package open carelessly. "He probably won't even notice," Red smirked as he looked down at the parcel. "Aw, sweet a master ball." Red picked up the ball and tossed it in his bag. "Alright let's go.


	5. Chapter 5

Red and Pikachu looked up at the Pokémon league building having just beaten the shit out of his rival. "You think we could break in there?"

"Pika?" Pikachu shrugged looking at the frist guard who was currently sleeping.

"Worth a shot," he said walking up to the first door. "Be quiet," he instructed.

The duo snuck past the first guard opening the door quietly to make sure it didn't creek. Red slipped through followed by the small Pokémon. Both letting out a sigh as Red closed the door.

They both turned around to see the next guard glaring at them silently. "Hello good sir," Red said walking up to the guard an obnoxious smile on his face.

"Badge?" He asked bluntly.

"Well you see-"

"Do you have your badge or not?" The guard cut him off.

"No," Red said slowly.

The guard scowled as he pulled out a bat with nails sticking out of it.

"Okay we'll leave," Red shouted putting his arms up defensively before running out of the building.

Pikachu smiled up at the guard a smile on his face, as the guard glared down at him. "Pika," he said giving a small wave before walking out of the building after his trainer.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: *Crawls out of hell* *Slams hands on table* Alright fuckers I'm back! I honestly just completely forgot this account existed until like twenty minutes ago so I have no idea where I was going with this story. But whatever I'm bored as hell so let's do this!**_

 _ **this chapter is pretty much just filler... but the next one will probably be out tomarrow so...**_

"Okay, fucker," Red said, glaring down at his only pokemon. Who just smiled up at him like the homicidal lunatic he was. "I gotta become the captain, so my mom can by cocaine with my earnings and in order to do that I need to beat the gyms."

Pikachu nodded, not really paying attention to his trainer's rambling, too distracted by the pretty Butterfree that was flying by. He wondered idly what it would be like to rip off the other pokemon's wings.

"Hey, are you listening, dipshit?" Red asked, snapping his fingers in front of the rodent's face.

"Pika!" The pokemon said, nodding his head enthusiastically.

The trainer didn't look convince. "Were you thinking about murder again?"

"...Chu..." Honestly when wasn't he thinking about murder?

Red sighed. "Of course," he mumbled. "Anyway, I need to catch more pokemon so can you try not to decapitate them this time?"

Pikachu sighed. "Pika…" he said, sadly. He really couldn't make any promises though.

Red glared at him for a moment before turning around and walking into the tall grass.


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N: Remember when i said I'd update tomorrow? Psssst what i ment to say was that i wouldn't do that because i'm a lazyass. Anyway! We finally get a new character! WHOOOO!**_

Red stepped into the tall grass, Pikachu following closely behind him. "Alright," he said looking around at all the wild pokemon.

There really wasn't much, just a couple of Rattatas and Pidgey that were giving him dirty looks. Probably not very happy that his Pikachu brutally murdered one of their own.

They didn't look very threatening though so Red paid them no mind.

Sleeping under a tree Red noticed a single Rattata. The ten year old smiled, he didn't exactly trust Pikachu not to murder everything in sight so this was perfect.

"Don't make a fucking sound," he hissed at the yellow rodent as he crept up to the sleeping pokemon, holding a pokeball he managed to dig out of the trash. No way he was going to pay for pokeballs when he could easily shift through dumpsters to get them.

At this point in his life Red had very little dignity left.

He tossed the ball at the Rattata, watching excitedly as the creature was absorbed into it.

It shook once, twice, before breaking revealing a very pissed off Rattata.

"Fuck…" the trainer muttered, trying to slowly walk away as the pokemon looked around looking for who had woken it up.

It's eyes locked on to Red's for a moment before it let out a battle cry and charged at the poor defenseless ten year old. Red screeched like a little fucking girl and covered his face with his arms because damn those claws looked sharp and he was probably going to die.

Before it could attack him though Pikachu jumped in the way, bitch slapping the rat and causing him to fall over unconscious.

"Well shit," Red said once he realized he wasn't going to die today. "You actually didn't kill him."

"Pika!" Pikachu said, actually sounding very proud.

Red dug through his bag and pulled out another pokeball, also found in the trash, and threw it at the Rattata.

It shook once, twice, three times, success!

"Yes!" Red cheered, running over and scooping up his new Pokémon.

Finally he'd have a Pokémon that wasn't homicidal!


End file.
